Call Super Cuts on Monday and find out when Maxine is working. Do not let anyone else fix her hair except Maxine. If she is working on a Tuesday, take Mom while the cleaning ladies are here. They usually come at 11:00. If they come that early, take her to lunch and then to Maxine's. Try to keep her out of the house while they are here or at least the first hour so that they can get her room cleaned without her in it. The ladies are great and take the whole house apart to clean it.
She can walk from the car to the shop if you hold her hand. She can also walk into restaurants. I only use the wheelchair when I take her to stores.
Where to take Mom to eat
Mom complains and says she does not like to go out to eat and that they serve the same old crap. Ignore her. I feel it is important for her to get her skinny little ass out of bed, put on makeup and dress at least 3 times a week. Give her about an hour to get ready and pick her clothes out for her or she will stare at the clothes in her closet for so long trying to make a decision that she gets disgusted. Help her along by putting her earrings in or fastening her shoes and hooking her bra. While she dresses heat up the curling iron. I never turn it off, I just connect it and disconnect it when we are done.
She cannot make decisions. If you take her to Red Lobster she seems to really like the popcorn shrimp lunch. Order it for her with a baked potato, butter no sour cream, salad with ranch on the side. When the salads (I eat too) arrive I give her my tomato and cucumber. She will pick at her salad. I give her the warm crusts off the biscuits. She will not get them on her own. I give them to her slowly throughout the meal so that she will eat them. Don't bother if they get cold. Sometimes the Sprite is strong enough for her, but it is best just to take her Dr. Pepper.
She seems to like the pizza at Florenza. I prefer to go and sit at the bar while it is baked. That gives me a break and I get the pizza hot from the oven. It's that hot thing again. She eats a mushroom, pepperoni (lite on the pepperoni) sausage pizza. You can add other veggies to it, but that is the basic we order. Tell her to fix her salad while you are gone. Take out her lettuce, shredded carrots, radish and cucumber and her glass bowl. I always have these veggies on hand since she has to have them. Make her more Ranch dressing if it runs out. The packets are in the kitchen pantry and there is always mayonnaise and sour cream. Don't let her make it because she puts too much milk and makes it runny and then wants to add more mayo and it gets nasty. Have her make her salad while you are gone or she will take too long after you arrive with the pizza and it will get cold. She probably will only eat the toppings because she thinks the bottom crust is too soggy. Heaven help us.
The Mexican restaurant Arriba serves decent food. I take her at lunch time because of the specials. She can't make a decision here either. Anytime I have let her change what she usually orders is a disaster. Order her the chicken flautas with rice not beans and a red sauce cheese enchilada. Ask the waiter to make sure they use only white cheese. Mom does not trust the yellow cheese, she thinks it is old. The flautas come with guacamole. I usually order the same but with the spinach green enchilada. Mom will take apart the flauta after about the second bite and eat the meat out of the center. Just look the other way. She will pick at the food and as I say "look for roaches" in it.
She will eat an In and Out Burger any time of the day or night. Order her burger without onions. If you are joining her, order the fries crispy since they are usually limp. She will pick at the fries so I don't order her any unless I am joining her. If she tells you to order it well done, don't bother, they always completely cook them.
I also get her out to get ice cream when ever she wants. Take her to Baskin Robbins and get her a cup with Butter Pecan ice cream. Sometimes she will want to go in and get a pint to go. If she asks for a cone be sure to get a cup because the ice cream will fall off her cone and the cup helps catch it. I usually leave her in the car with the air on because it is too hot right now. She always want me to eat one too so I order the kid size soft cone.
She cannot make decisions. If you take her to Red Lobster she seems to really like the popcorn shrimp lunch. Order it for her with a baked potato, butter no sour cream, salad with ranch on the side. When the salads (I eat too) arrive I give her my tomato and cucumber. She will pick at her salad. I give her the warm crusts off the biscuits. She will not get them on her own. I give them to her slowly throughout the meal so that she will eat them. Don't bother if they get cold. Sometimes the Sprite is strong enough for her, but it is best just to take her Dr. Pepper.
She seems to like the pizza at Florenza. I prefer to go and sit at the bar while it is baked. That gives me a break and I get the pizza hot from the oven. It's that hot thing again. She eats a mushroom, pepperoni (lite on the pepperoni) sausage pizza. You can add other veggies to it, but that is the basic we order. Tell her to fix her salad while you are gone. Take out her lettuce, shredded carrots, radish and cucumber and her glass bowl. I always have these veggies on hand since she has to have them. Make her more Ranch dressing if it runs out. The packets are in the kitchen pantry and there is always mayonnaise and sour cream. Don't let her make it because she puts too much milk and makes it runny and then wants to add more mayo and it gets nasty. Have her make her salad while you are gone or she will take too long after you arrive with the pizza and it will get cold. She probably will only eat the toppings because she thinks the bottom crust is too soggy. Heaven help us.
The Mexican restaurant Arriba serves decent food. I take her at lunch time because of the specials. She can't make a decision here either. Anytime I have let her change what she usually orders is a disaster. Order her the chicken flautas with rice not beans and a red sauce cheese enchilada. Ask the waiter to make sure they use only white cheese. Mom does not trust the yellow cheese, she thinks it is old. The flautas come with guacamole. I usually order the same but with the spinach green enchilada. Mom will take apart the flauta after about the second bite and eat the meat out of the center. Just look the other way. She will pick at the food and as I say "look for roaches" in it.
She will eat an In and Out Burger any time of the day or night. Order her burger without onions. If you are joining her, order the fries crispy since they are usually limp. She will pick at the fries so I don't order her any unless I am joining her. If she tells you to order it well done, don't bother, they always completely cook them.
I also get her out to get ice cream when ever she wants. Take her to Baskin Robbins and get her a cup with Butter Pecan ice cream. Sometimes she will want to go in and get a pint to go. If she asks for a cone be sure to get a cup because the ice cream will fall off her cone and the cup helps catch it. I usually leave her in the car with the air on because it is too hot right now. She always want me to eat one too so I order the kid size soft cone.
Dr Pepper
Mom will only drink Dr. Pepper. She will not drink it in glass or plastic bottles. She wants the small, thin ones. She will drink probably two a day. She forgets to put them in the fridge so keep an eye out and try to have 3 in there at a time. When you take her out to eat, take one of her cans and ask for a glass of ice. I will give you a list of where to take her to eat and what she will eat. These places know her and are very accommodating.
Mom and her sweets
The only donuts she will eat are the Old Fashioned glazed you buy at Basha's. I buy her one at a time every other day or so. They are hard when you buy them so you can imagine how hard they get overnight. I've tried to wrap them in a baggie so that they won't get so hard, but Mom does not like them soft so let them get hard and just get her a new one every other day or so. She also will eat a "crispie". Always ask them to give you the one that is the most toasted. She will not eat what she considers a raw one. She will nibble on this thing several times a day. She always wants a sweet after eating or along with her Dr. Pepper.
Just a note. Basha does not seem to make more than 4 Old Fashioned donuts a day so they sell out quickly. It is best to get them first thing in the day. I've tried the OF donuts at Fry's and they are like concrete so I've stuck with the fresh ones at Basha. Basha is the only store that actually makes their own batter and bakes fresh everyday.
Just a note. Basha does not seem to make more than 4 Old Fashioned donuts a day so they sell out quickly. It is best to get them first thing in the day. I've tried the OF donuts at Fry's and they are like concrete so I've stuck with the fresh ones at Basha. Basha is the only store that actually makes their own batter and bakes fresh everyday.
Things you need to know if you are taking care of Mom
Let's start with breakfast. Mom usually gets up around 8:15 to 8:30. Sometimes she gets up earlier or later, if she is still in bed at 9 am I let her sleep since she probably couldn't sleep the night before. Once you see her go into the bathroom it's time to get her breakfast started. She will want either two slices of bacon or one thinish slice of Spam. Start the bacon or the Spam at 5.5 on the double burner in the red pan. This is the best temperature because once the burner gets hot anything higher will cook too fast. While the bacon cooks take out her cup, milk, her butter (she has her own) and the pineapple apricot jam. Put a frozen waffle in the toaster at 3.5 and press the frozen button. The waffles have to toast 3 times to get them to the proper dark brown toast. Mom will wander in somewhere along this path and wait to be served. Help her pour her coffee, she can manage her sugar and milk. If she has to brew her own coffee, heat the water in her tall poppy cup since it does not have the gold rim like her usual cup. She will put a tiny amount of instant crystals in her cup and take it from there. Do not take your eyes off the bacon or the waffle. Sometimes she will need so much assistance or give you lip that you forget to pop the waffle before the end of the 3rd toasting and burn it or you will burn the bacon since it is thin sliced and cooks rather fast once it starts.
Rush her to get her seated, take her cup to the table with the waffle. If you don't rush her a bit her food will get "cold" and she will be upset. It is a delicate dance to get everything to her while it's hot, but it is worth the effort since it will save you grief. I sit with her while she eats. She does not speak when eating. Sometimes she will want more hot water. Just remember always serve her food hot!
After she eats take her blood pressure and note it on the list. Find the horoscopes in the paper and leave them out for her. This is the only thing she will read. She might putz around a bit, talk, complain, tell you her dreams and accuse you of any number of things. She will fill her glass with ice and water and ask you several times what day it is. Help her pull out her pills. After she takes her pills she might eat some chocolate or a bite of donut. (Buying her sweets will be on another post)
She will want to go "blow her nose" as she calls it, but it is really her using her oxygen. Check the level of the water in the plastic container on the top side of the unit. She uses the oxygen so much that it usually needs to be re-filled. Only refill it with bottled water up to the max line. Now she will lay there and go to sleep and probably not want much until lunch. She eats between 11:00 and 12:00.
Now since you are not me, some or none of the above will apply. She just might pull her "independent" trick so just watch and let her do it unless it means her food will be cold and then step in and take over or you will regret it.
Rush her to get her seated, take her cup to the table with the waffle. If you don't rush her a bit her food will get "cold" and she will be upset. It is a delicate dance to get everything to her while it's hot, but it is worth the effort since it will save you grief. I sit with her while she eats. She does not speak when eating. Sometimes she will want more hot water. Just remember always serve her food hot!
After she eats take her blood pressure and note it on the list. Find the horoscopes in the paper and leave them out for her. This is the only thing she will read. She might putz around a bit, talk, complain, tell you her dreams and accuse you of any number of things. She will fill her glass with ice and water and ask you several times what day it is. Help her pull out her pills. After she takes her pills she might eat some chocolate or a bite of donut. (Buying her sweets will be on another post)
She will want to go "blow her nose" as she calls it, but it is really her using her oxygen. Check the level of the water in the plastic container on the top side of the unit. She uses the oxygen so much that it usually needs to be re-filled. Only refill it with bottled water up to the max line. Now she will lay there and go to sleep and probably not want much until lunch. She eats between 11:00 and 12:00.
Now since you are not me, some or none of the above will apply. She just might pull her "independent" trick so just watch and let her do it unless it means her food will be cold and then step in and take over or you will regret it.
Call from Cousin Nora
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Nora called to wish mom happy birthday. After their conversation I had a few minutes to chat with her. She is sending me a cassette recording of Granny Cosme. She and Rogelio (her husband) sat her down one day and she shared some of her memories. I promised to have it copied onto CDs for the rest of the family. The chat was very interesting. She shared that quite some time ago she went on a search for her grandfather's burial site. He isn't buried in Presidio, he is buried in Ojinaga, Mexico. Mom always said that he was killed in Mexico and that they wouldn't let Cosme bring his body to the US and that he was buried under a tree by the Rio Grande River. Now I learn that he is in Ojinaga. Nora relates that there is some discrepancy in the spelling of Velasco, but she found him anyway. She doubts that Mexico refused to let Cosme bring him over, it probably was more a matter of money and what she would have had to pay. Nora was told that Jose (grandfather) was named Velasco because his real father's name would have caused trouble of some sort and something about the Germans would have killed him and would have tried to trace his father. I told her about Hospital Sanson and it was news to her. Will the real story please come forth?
I promised to share whatever stories I've learned from mom with her at a later time since mom was angry that I was on the phone. She definitely does not like me to talk on the phone.
I promised to share whatever stories I've learned from mom with her at a later time since mom was angry that I was on the phone. She definitely does not like me to talk on the phone.
Mom's Birthday
Today mom is 90! I am so relieved that today her elevator went almost to the top. She was able to read her card from her sister, Josie and enjoy a tiny piece of Divinity Fudge that Geebs sent her. I am so glad that we didn't leave the house because she received flowers from Greg and the fudge from Geebs. It's 108 today and certainly not a day to leave fudge or flowers out. She is so picky that even food she would eat last week she won't touch this week. So she fixed herself half a pimiento cheese sandwich with 4 potato chips. Really, four. No matter what we try to entice her with she will only eat a few bite fulls and push the rest away. She has now refused to go to restaurants saying it's the same old crap and that it's a waste of money since she eats so little of it.
Red Socks
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
What is it with red socks? Why are they so special? Mom wants red socks. She has asked her sister, her niece and now her granddaughter for red socks. We have been to every store that could possibly carry socks in search of red ones. In the first place, it is summer in AZ. No one is wearing socks! The only socks we can find are multi-colored in the ankle bone length, which she refuses. The lesson here is to not be like a dog with a bone. Let it go. Sometimes we get so focused on wanting just exactly one thing that we are unaware of the great varieties out there waiting for us.
Getting What You Ask For
Mom has been asking me to get her hair permed. I have ignored her requests for 3 months or more. I offered to give her a perm and she didn't want me to do it. The only place that I could find that still perms is JC Penny Salon. I made her an appointment and off we go. I very clearly told the stylist not to leave the rods on longer than 5 minutes. The stylist was very agreeable and promised. She listened when we told her that mom really just wanted soft waves and body. I guess mom's hair is super sensitive, maybe it's the meds, anyway her hair curled. It curled into tight little ringlets. The stylist instead of putting conditioner on it and using rollers blew it dry. Talk about cotton candy. What a mess. All mom could say is "Don't listen to me when I ask for something anymore."
Mother's Day
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Another day, just like any other. She wakes, eats, takes her pills and goes back to bed. I rearranged her nick nacks again. I promised her I would only change them once a day and so that's it for today. I fixed a nice meal for us today and the response I got was "It's okay." From mom an "it's okay" is about as good as it gets. Luckily I really liked the meal and so did Lynn. I also got her a cheesecake and that got a "very good". I may take her to JoAnn's today to get a fabric she just has to have, if she gets out of bed. We are collecting fabric and patterns right now. She doesn't have the energy to cut anything out or sew, but collect we will. So far she has one Avon box full. Laura called her today and I don't know what they talked about, mother doesn't remember. Laura is not well, I know we knew that, but really, she's not healthy well. I can't handle two so I hope she gets better or I'm toast. I realize this post is not as funny as my others, but it's the best reflection of my alternate reality.
Cleaning House the Correct Way
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I received a request from Sam wanting information on housekeeping. So here is what the Queen of Picky has to say about housekeeping.
To begin, a house is considered “not cleanable” unless you have the following supplies and use them. First on the list is bleach and it must be Clorox followed closely by Heinz vinegar. Lysol spray is important to have because you have to spray your toilet, bedroom waste basket and kitchen can daily.
Your front door must be hosed down at least weekly. A dusty front door is a reflection of a dirty house. The front mat and door handle should be clean and the doorbell area spotless. It is just plain bad luck to have a dirty entrance. You need to have your windows washed with vinegar and soap at least 4 times a year. Dirty windows are a sure sign of laziness. If you have potted plants in the front area they have to be real and not silk. Silk flowers are tacky and belong in West Virginia or Juarez. All plants that can be seen by passersby must be well watered and trimmed. People who let their front or back lawn grow too long are Lazy. Too long is anything about 1.5 inches this comes from Pampa Ben. Every house should have at least one rose bush. A person who grows roses is considered educated and refined. Lazy people do not have rose bushes because, well, they are lazy!
A picky person always has a clean entry area. You always need to have an entry mat or visitors or yourself will track in dirt. This mat needs to be vacuumed every week or more often if it gets dirty.
There are no magazines, newspapers or mail that can be seen by visitors. It is also best that you not buy magazines or papers because they accumulate and make unpleasant piles. Reading is a vice because it keeps you from doing constructive activities like cleaning or yard work, locking yourself in the bathroom to read is not an option. You should never lock yourself in the bedroom or bathroom because it means you are doing something forbidden. (It took me years to figure out this one.)
The kitchen is a very important room in the house. The counters should always be cleared and cleaned with a solution of dish soap and vinegar. All surfaces should be cleaned with this solution unless you can use bleach. Bleach is the best. Never leave a dish cloth wadded up. All dish clothes should be left to hang dry or they will get rancid. Rancid dish cloths are any cloths that have been left on the counter and not hung to dry. Never leave food on the counter or you will get ants. Always keep your flour, sugar and cereals in containers or you will get weevils. What is a weevil? It is a nasty little bug that grows in food if you don’t store it correctly. Flour always gets weevils so always have a spare bag. The shelves in your cabinets have to be lined with contact paper. You have to do this or your dishes will smell like wood and won’t be clean. How you should organize your kitchen shelves and pantry is too long to itemize here. There are so many specific rules about this I will not list them unless there is a special request that I do so.
The bathrooms have to be cleaned with bleach. Every surface needs to be disinfected. The mirrors are cleaned with Windex, has to be Windex no other brand will work. There has to be furry covers on the toilet tank and toilet lid. A picky person does not have a naked toilet. The rugs in the bath should match these covers. The ordinary towels are changed weekly. One should have special visitor towels and should not be used unless you are a visitor. A picky person never ever leaves a towel on the floor or counter. This is a sure sign of laziness. The absolute worse thing a person can do is leave a wet, wadded up face cloth anywhere in the bathroom. Any towel found in this condition must be washed in hot water with bleach because it has germs. Never have a clothes hamper in the bathroom because the clothes in the hamper will get rancid. A bathroom is a damp place where dirty people get clean so you must be vigilant about not leaving anything wet that can get rancid.
Every bedroom has to have a floor mat by the bed so that you can wipe your feet before getting into bed and dirtying the sheets. You also have to have lamps because if it is dark you can’t see the dirt that has to be cleaned. The windows have to have blinds and curtains. The blinds need to be dusted or vacuumed every week. The curtains need to be changed every season along with the bedspread. The window in the bedroom has to be left open about an inch most of the time because the activities one has in the bedroom leave an odor. Also because of these activities the sheets have to be changed every week and hung out in the sun unless you used bleach.
I could go on and on about housekeeping, but suffice to say: just use bleach. As an example, my house is not clean because I don’t use bleach. I have had to allow the Lysol spraying even if it means I get a headache, cough and get watery eyes. Pickiness is a virtue and not easy. The more you suffer to keep your house and yard clean the more you will be rewarded with approving glances by passersby and visitors. Remember a picky person is always worried about what other people will think.
As always
Alice
To begin, a house is considered “not cleanable” unless you have the following supplies and use them. First on the list is bleach and it must be Clorox followed closely by Heinz vinegar. Lysol spray is important to have because you have to spray your toilet, bedroom waste basket and kitchen can daily.
Your front door must be hosed down at least weekly. A dusty front door is a reflection of a dirty house. The front mat and door handle should be clean and the doorbell area spotless. It is just plain bad luck to have a dirty entrance. You need to have your windows washed with vinegar and soap at least 4 times a year. Dirty windows are a sure sign of laziness. If you have potted plants in the front area they have to be real and not silk. Silk flowers are tacky and belong in West Virginia or Juarez. All plants that can be seen by passersby must be well watered and trimmed. People who let their front or back lawn grow too long are Lazy. Too long is anything about 1.5 inches this comes from Pampa Ben. Every house should have at least one rose bush. A person who grows roses is considered educated and refined. Lazy people do not have rose bushes because, well, they are lazy!
A picky person always has a clean entry area. You always need to have an entry mat or visitors or yourself will track in dirt. This mat needs to be vacuumed every week or more often if it gets dirty.
There are no magazines, newspapers or mail that can be seen by visitors. It is also best that you not buy magazines or papers because they accumulate and make unpleasant piles. Reading is a vice because it keeps you from doing constructive activities like cleaning or yard work, locking yourself in the bathroom to read is not an option. You should never lock yourself in the bedroom or bathroom because it means you are doing something forbidden. (It took me years to figure out this one.)
The kitchen is a very important room in the house. The counters should always be cleared and cleaned with a solution of dish soap and vinegar. All surfaces should be cleaned with this solution unless you can use bleach. Bleach is the best. Never leave a dish cloth wadded up. All dish clothes should be left to hang dry or they will get rancid. Rancid dish cloths are any cloths that have been left on the counter and not hung to dry. Never leave food on the counter or you will get ants. Always keep your flour, sugar and cereals in containers or you will get weevils. What is a weevil? It is a nasty little bug that grows in food if you don’t store it correctly. Flour always gets weevils so always have a spare bag. The shelves in your cabinets have to be lined with contact paper. You have to do this or your dishes will smell like wood and won’t be clean. How you should organize your kitchen shelves and pantry is too long to itemize here. There are so many specific rules about this I will not list them unless there is a special request that I do so.
The bathrooms have to be cleaned with bleach. Every surface needs to be disinfected. The mirrors are cleaned with Windex, has to be Windex no other brand will work. There has to be furry covers on the toilet tank and toilet lid. A picky person does not have a naked toilet. The rugs in the bath should match these covers. The ordinary towels are changed weekly. One should have special visitor towels and should not be used unless you are a visitor. A picky person never ever leaves a towel on the floor or counter. This is a sure sign of laziness. The absolute worse thing a person can do is leave a wet, wadded up face cloth anywhere in the bathroom. Any towel found in this condition must be washed in hot water with bleach because it has germs. Never have a clothes hamper in the bathroom because the clothes in the hamper will get rancid. A bathroom is a damp place where dirty people get clean so you must be vigilant about not leaving anything wet that can get rancid.
Every bedroom has to have a floor mat by the bed so that you can wipe your feet before getting into bed and dirtying the sheets. You also have to have lamps because if it is dark you can’t see the dirt that has to be cleaned. The windows have to have blinds and curtains. The blinds need to be dusted or vacuumed every week. The curtains need to be changed every season along with the bedspread. The window in the bedroom has to be left open about an inch most of the time because the activities one has in the bedroom leave an odor. Also because of these activities the sheets have to be changed every week and hung out in the sun unless you used bleach.
I could go on and on about housekeeping, but suffice to say: just use bleach. As an example, my house is not clean because I don’t use bleach. I have had to allow the Lysol spraying even if it means I get a headache, cough and get watery eyes. Pickiness is a virtue and not easy. The more you suffer to keep your house and yard clean the more you will be rewarded with approving glances by passersby and visitors. Remember a picky person is always worried about what other people will think.
As always
Alice
The Correct Way to Grocery Shop
Here is an installment on being “picky”. I will share further lessons with you as I get proficient in their application and can explain correctly.
When shopping being “picky” means going up and down every isle even though you only came into the store to buy hamburger buns. Oh, by the way, you CANNOT eat a hamburger patty without having a bun. Since patties are not a hamburger and you can not eat just meat patties.
You must walk up and down every isle and consider the merits of many items. After the merits are considered there is often a conflict because there was felt a need to buy additional items even though there were already two or more of said items at home. You must not hide items from a “picky” person in either the refrigerator or pantry nor question the value of buying more.
You must never leave a produce area without buying a head of lettuce, two cucumbers, 4 Roma tomatoes, corn on the cob, avocados and two pink grapefruits. The head of lettuce MUST come from the very back of the display and show no signs of being handled previously. The cucumbers must be not too long or too fat and have very small bumps. The tomatoes have to be Roma and picked individually and inspected carefully. The shuck on the corn must be carefully pulled back and the kernel must be full of juice when you stick your fingernail into it. This has to be done or you will find yourself with “old” corn and that is unacceptable. You also do not buy the ear of corn you just tested because it has been “used”. The avocados must be the right size, color, firmness and some other esoteric requirement that I have yet to discover before you can buy them. The grapefruit has to be PINK with very little yellow and not have the slightest wrinkle near the end. If there are any wrinkles or if it seems somehow not right you CANNOT buy it because it is too “old” and not sweet. One does not eat strawberries because they have little seeds that will get caught in your teeth or grapes unless you peel them. Oranges are bitter and large apples are unacceptable. All apples must be Washington variety and be small. Dole bananas are not as good as Chiquita bananas. After endless searches the fact that not a single store in Phoenix, Mesa or Chandler sells Chiquita bananas makes it acceptable to eat a Dole banana if it is the right color and firmness.
You must always have at least 4 different types of pasta even though you do not like shells or curly pasta, but you buy them just in case. If you buy penne pasta that is okay, BUT after you boil it you must rinse it thoroughly with cold water (preferably with ice). After that you must cut each penne smaller because it will taste better. A “picky” person knows that large penne tastes differently than large penne that has been cut in half. This is very important. One must not eat a pasta salad that has large pieces of pasta, unless you cut them before eating.
When buying refrigerated goods you must always get the container that is at the very back even if you cannot reach it and must wait for a taller person to get it for you. You must always have an extra gallon of milk in case you run out of it and the store is closed. It is always safer to have two containers of cottage cheese and two containers of sour cream for the same reason. You must never ever buy a large container of sour cream; it does not taste as good as the sour cream in the smaller size. Also it is imperative that you only buy recognized brand names because the store brand or unrecognized vendors will sell you old or inferior quality. Don’t buy yogurt, it tastes sour and is bad for you.
You must be diligent and only buy bread that is flat on top. This means that you go to 3 or more different stores then get upset that no one sells the correct type of bread. Upon questioning one learns that round bread does not toast on the top and that is unacceptable. This is a fact even though you do not eat the top, sides or the bottom rinds of the bread after toasting because they are hard and taste too much like bread.
A “picky” person will decide that her clothes are not clean because they do not smell right. Unscented detergent and the lack of scented Downy determine cleanliness.
Oh, I almost forgot. Cats cannot be picky. They should eat what you put in front of them immediately or starve.
I hope you have enjoyed this lesson in “pickiness”. I have also been instructed in the ways of vacuuming, doing laundry, sweeping and cooking. If you enjoyed this instruction in “pickiness” you can anticipate further installments. These very scientific applications are vital to your health and well-being and must be passed on to the uneducated of our family. Being “picky” is an art in our family and must be passed down to the younger generation and any other person that will value the art of being “picky”.
Alice
When shopping being “picky” means going up and down every isle even though you only came into the store to buy hamburger buns. Oh, by the way, you CANNOT eat a hamburger patty without having a bun. Since patties are not a hamburger and you can not eat just meat patties.
You must walk up and down every isle and consider the merits of many items. After the merits are considered there is often a conflict because there was felt a need to buy additional items even though there were already two or more of said items at home. You must not hide items from a “picky” person in either the refrigerator or pantry nor question the value of buying more.
You must never leave a produce area without buying a head of lettuce, two cucumbers, 4 Roma tomatoes, corn on the cob, avocados and two pink grapefruits. The head of lettuce MUST come from the very back of the display and show no signs of being handled previously. The cucumbers must be not too long or too fat and have very small bumps. The tomatoes have to be Roma and picked individually and inspected carefully. The shuck on the corn must be carefully pulled back and the kernel must be full of juice when you stick your fingernail into it. This has to be done or you will find yourself with “old” corn and that is unacceptable. You also do not buy the ear of corn you just tested because it has been “used”. The avocados must be the right size, color, firmness and some other esoteric requirement that I have yet to discover before you can buy them. The grapefruit has to be PINK with very little yellow and not have the slightest wrinkle near the end. If there are any wrinkles or if it seems somehow not right you CANNOT buy it because it is too “old” and not sweet. One does not eat strawberries because they have little seeds that will get caught in your teeth or grapes unless you peel them. Oranges are bitter and large apples are unacceptable. All apples must be Washington variety and be small. Dole bananas are not as good as Chiquita bananas. After endless searches the fact that not a single store in Phoenix, Mesa or Chandler sells Chiquita bananas makes it acceptable to eat a Dole banana if it is the right color and firmness.
You must always have at least 4 different types of pasta even though you do not like shells or curly pasta, but you buy them just in case. If you buy penne pasta that is okay, BUT after you boil it you must rinse it thoroughly with cold water (preferably with ice). After that you must cut each penne smaller because it will taste better. A “picky” person knows that large penne tastes differently than large penne that has been cut in half. This is very important. One must not eat a pasta salad that has large pieces of pasta, unless you cut them before eating.
When buying refrigerated goods you must always get the container that is at the very back even if you cannot reach it and must wait for a taller person to get it for you. You must always have an extra gallon of milk in case you run out of it and the store is closed. It is always safer to have two containers of cottage cheese and two containers of sour cream for the same reason. You must never ever buy a large container of sour cream; it does not taste as good as the sour cream in the smaller size. Also it is imperative that you only buy recognized brand names because the store brand or unrecognized vendors will sell you old or inferior quality. Don’t buy yogurt, it tastes sour and is bad for you.
You must be diligent and only buy bread that is flat on top. This means that you go to 3 or more different stores then get upset that no one sells the correct type of bread. Upon questioning one learns that round bread does not toast on the top and that is unacceptable. This is a fact even though you do not eat the top, sides or the bottom rinds of the bread after toasting because they are hard and taste too much like bread.
A “picky” person will decide that her clothes are not clean because they do not smell right. Unscented detergent and the lack of scented Downy determine cleanliness.
Oh, I almost forgot. Cats cannot be picky. They should eat what you put in front of them immediately or starve.
I hope you have enjoyed this lesson in “pickiness”. I have also been instructed in the ways of vacuuming, doing laundry, sweeping and cooking. If you enjoyed this instruction in “pickiness” you can anticipate further installments. These very scientific applications are vital to your health and well-being and must be passed on to the uneducated of our family. Being “picky” is an art in our family and must be passed down to the younger generation and any other person that will value the art of being “picky”.
Alice
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)