The Correct Way to Grocery Shop

Here is an installment on being “picky”. I will share further lessons with you as I get proficient in their application and can explain correctly.

When shopping being “picky” means going up and down every isle even though you only came into the store to buy hamburger buns. Oh, by the way, you CANNOT eat a hamburger patty without having a bun. Since patties are not a hamburger and you can not eat just meat patties.

You must walk up and down every isle and consider the merits of many items. After the merits are considered there is often a conflict because there was felt a need to buy additional items even though there were already two or more of said items at home. You must not hide items from a “picky” person in either the refrigerator or pantry nor question the value of buying more.

You must never leave a produce area without buying a head of lettuce, two cucumbers, 4 Roma tomatoes, corn on the cob, avocados and two pink grapefruits. The head of lettuce MUST come from the very back of the display and show no signs of being handled previously. The cucumbers must be not too long or too fat and have very small bumps. The tomatoes have to be Roma and picked individually and inspected carefully. The shuck on the corn must be carefully pulled back and the kernel must be full of juice when you stick your fingernail into it. This has to be done or you will find yourself with “old” corn and that is unacceptable. You also do not buy the ear of corn you just tested because it has been “used”. The avocados must be the right size, color, firmness and some other esoteric requirement that I have yet to discover before you can buy them. The grapefruit has to be PINK with very little yellow and not have the slightest wrinkle near the end. If there are any wrinkles or if it seems somehow not right you CANNOT buy it because it is too “old” and not sweet. One does not eat strawberries because they have little seeds that will get caught in your teeth or grapes unless you peel them. Oranges are bitter and large apples are unacceptable. All apples must be Washington variety and be small. Dole bananas are not as good as Chiquita bananas. After endless searches the fact that not a single store in Phoenix, Mesa or Chandler sells Chiquita bananas makes it acceptable to eat a Dole banana if it is the right color and firmness.

You must always have at least 4 different types of pasta even though you do not like shells or curly pasta, but you buy them just in case. If you buy penne pasta that is okay, BUT after you boil it you must rinse it thoroughly with cold water (preferably with ice). After that you must cut each penne smaller because it will taste better. A “picky” person knows that large penne tastes differently than large penne that has been cut in half. This is very important. One must not eat a pasta salad that has large pieces of pasta, unless you cut them before eating.

When buying refrigerated goods you must always get the container that is at the very back even if you cannot reach it and must wait for a taller person to get it for you. You must always have an extra gallon of milk in case you run out of it and the store is closed. It is always safer to have two containers of cottage cheese and two containers of sour cream for the same reason. You must never ever buy a large container of sour cream; it does not taste as good as the sour cream in the smaller size. Also it is imperative that you only buy recognized brand names because the store brand or unrecognized vendors will sell you old or inferior quality. Don’t buy yogurt, it tastes sour and is bad for you.

You must be diligent and only buy bread that is flat on top. This means that you go to 3 or more different stores then get upset that no one sells the correct type of bread. Upon questioning one learns that round bread does not toast on the top and that is unacceptable. This is a fact even though you do not eat the top, sides or the bottom rinds of the bread after toasting because they are hard and taste too much like bread.

A “picky” person will decide that her clothes are not clean because they do not smell right. Unscented detergent and the lack of scented Downy determine cleanliness.

Oh, I almost forgot. Cats cannot be picky. They should eat what you put in front of them immediately or starve.

I hope you have enjoyed this lesson in “pickiness”. I have also been instructed in the ways of vacuuming, doing laundry, sweeping and cooking. If you enjoyed this instruction in “pickiness” you can anticipate further installments. These very scientific applications are vital to your health and well-being and must be passed on to the uneducated of our family. Being “picky” is an art in our family and must be passed down to the younger generation and any other person that will value the art of being “picky”.

Alice