I received a request from Sam wanting information on housekeeping. So here is what the Queen of Picky has to say about housekeeping.
To begin, a house is considered “not cleanable” unless you have the following supplies and use them. First on the list is bleach and it must be Clorox followed closely by Heinz vinegar. Lysol spray is important to have because you have to spray your toilet, bedroom waste basket and kitchen can daily.
Your front door must be hosed down at least weekly. A dusty front door is a reflection of a dirty house. The front mat and door handle should be clean and the doorbell area spotless. It is just plain bad luck to have a dirty entrance. You need to have your windows washed with vinegar and soap at least 4 times a year. Dirty windows are a sure sign of laziness. If you have potted plants in the front area they have to be real and not silk. Silk flowers are tacky and belong in West Virginia or Juarez. All plants that can be seen by passersby must be well watered and trimmed. People who let their front or back lawn grow too long are Lazy. Too long is anything about 1.5 inches this comes from Pampa Ben. Every house should have at least one rose bush. A person who grows roses is considered educated and refined. Lazy people do not have rose bushes because, well, they are lazy!
A picky person always has a clean entry area. You always need to have an entry mat or visitors or yourself will track in dirt. This mat needs to be vacuumed every week or more often if it gets dirty.
There are no magazines, newspapers or mail that can be seen by visitors. It is also best that you not buy magazines or papers because they accumulate and make unpleasant piles. Reading is a vice because it keeps you from doing constructive activities like cleaning or yard work, locking yourself in the bathroom to read is not an option. You should never lock yourself in the bedroom or bathroom because it means you are doing something forbidden. (It took me years to figure out this one.)
The kitchen is a very important room in the house. The counters should always be cleared and cleaned with a solution of dish soap and vinegar. All surfaces should be cleaned with this solution unless you can use bleach. Bleach is the best. Never leave a dish cloth wadded up. All dish clothes should be left to hang dry or they will get rancid. Rancid dish cloths are any cloths that have been left on the counter and not hung to dry. Never leave food on the counter or you will get ants. Always keep your flour, sugar and cereals in containers or you will get weevils. What is a weevil? It is a nasty little bug that grows in food if you don’t store it correctly. Flour always gets weevils so always have a spare bag. The shelves in your cabinets have to be lined with contact paper. You have to do this or your dishes will smell like wood and won’t be clean. How you should organize your kitchen shelves and pantry is too long to itemize here. There are so many specific rules about this I will not list them unless there is a special request that I do so.
The bathrooms have to be cleaned with bleach. Every surface needs to be disinfected. The mirrors are cleaned with Windex, has to be Windex no other brand will work. There has to be furry covers on the toilet tank and toilet lid. A picky person does not have a naked toilet. The rugs in the bath should match these covers. The ordinary towels are changed weekly. One should have special visitor towels and should not be used unless you are a visitor. A picky person never ever leaves a towel on the floor or counter. This is a sure sign of laziness. The absolute worse thing a person can do is leave a wet, wadded up face cloth anywhere in the bathroom. Any towel found in this condition must be washed in hot water with bleach because it has germs. Never have a clothes hamper in the bathroom because the clothes in the hamper will get rancid. A bathroom is a damp place where dirty people get clean so you must be vigilant about not leaving anything wet that can get rancid.
Every bedroom has to have a floor mat by the bed so that you can wipe your feet before getting into bed and dirtying the sheets. You also have to have lamps because if it is dark you can’t see the dirt that has to be cleaned. The windows have to have blinds and curtains. The blinds need to be dusted or vacuumed every week. The curtains need to be changed every season along with the bedspread. The window in the bedroom has to be left open about an inch most of the time because the activities one has in the bedroom leave an odor. Also because of these activities the sheets have to be changed every week and hung out in the sun unless you used bleach.
I could go on and on about housekeeping, but suffice to say: just use bleach. As an example, my house is not clean because I don’t use bleach. I have had to allow the Lysol spraying even if it means I get a headache, cough and get watery eyes. Pickiness is a virtue and not easy. The more you suffer to keep your house and yard clean the more you will be rewarded with approving glances by passersby and visitors. Remember a picky person is always worried about what other people will think.
As always
Alice
The Correct Way to Grocery Shop
Here is an installment on being “picky”. I will share further lessons with you as I get proficient in their application and can explain correctly.
When shopping being “picky” means going up and down every isle even though you only came into the store to buy hamburger buns. Oh, by the way, you CANNOT eat a hamburger patty without having a bun. Since patties are not a hamburger and you can not eat just meat patties.
You must walk up and down every isle and consider the merits of many items. After the merits are considered there is often a conflict because there was felt a need to buy additional items even though there were already two or more of said items at home. You must not hide items from a “picky” person in either the refrigerator or pantry nor question the value of buying more.
You must never leave a produce area without buying a head of lettuce, two cucumbers, 4 Roma tomatoes, corn on the cob, avocados and two pink grapefruits. The head of lettuce MUST come from the very back of the display and show no signs of being handled previously. The cucumbers must be not too long or too fat and have very small bumps. The tomatoes have to be Roma and picked individually and inspected carefully. The shuck on the corn must be carefully pulled back and the kernel must be full of juice when you stick your fingernail into it. This has to be done or you will find yourself with “old” corn and that is unacceptable. You also do not buy the ear of corn you just tested because it has been “used”. The avocados must be the right size, color, firmness and some other esoteric requirement that I have yet to discover before you can buy them. The grapefruit has to be PINK with very little yellow and not have the slightest wrinkle near the end. If there are any wrinkles or if it seems somehow not right you CANNOT buy it because it is too “old” and not sweet. One does not eat strawberries because they have little seeds that will get caught in your teeth or grapes unless you peel them. Oranges are bitter and large apples are unacceptable. All apples must be Washington variety and be small. Dole bananas are not as good as Chiquita bananas. After endless searches the fact that not a single store in Phoenix, Mesa or Chandler sells Chiquita bananas makes it acceptable to eat a Dole banana if it is the right color and firmness.
You must always have at least 4 different types of pasta even though you do not like shells or curly pasta, but you buy them just in case. If you buy penne pasta that is okay, BUT after you boil it you must rinse it thoroughly with cold water (preferably with ice). After that you must cut each penne smaller because it will taste better. A “picky” person knows that large penne tastes differently than large penne that has been cut in half. This is very important. One must not eat a pasta salad that has large pieces of pasta, unless you cut them before eating.
When buying refrigerated goods you must always get the container that is at the very back even if you cannot reach it and must wait for a taller person to get it for you. You must always have an extra gallon of milk in case you run out of it and the store is closed. It is always safer to have two containers of cottage cheese and two containers of sour cream for the same reason. You must never ever buy a large container of sour cream; it does not taste as good as the sour cream in the smaller size. Also it is imperative that you only buy recognized brand names because the store brand or unrecognized vendors will sell you old or inferior quality. Don’t buy yogurt, it tastes sour and is bad for you.
You must be diligent and only buy bread that is flat on top. This means that you go to 3 or more different stores then get upset that no one sells the correct type of bread. Upon questioning one learns that round bread does not toast on the top and that is unacceptable. This is a fact even though you do not eat the top, sides or the bottom rinds of the bread after toasting because they are hard and taste too much like bread.
A “picky” person will decide that her clothes are not clean because they do not smell right. Unscented detergent and the lack of scented Downy determine cleanliness.
Oh, I almost forgot. Cats cannot be picky. They should eat what you put in front of them immediately or starve.
I hope you have enjoyed this lesson in “pickiness”. I have also been instructed in the ways of vacuuming, doing laundry, sweeping and cooking. If you enjoyed this instruction in “pickiness” you can anticipate further installments. These very scientific applications are vital to your health and well-being and must be passed on to the uneducated of our family. Being “picky” is an art in our family and must be passed down to the younger generation and any other person that will value the art of being “picky”.
Alice
When shopping being “picky” means going up and down every isle even though you only came into the store to buy hamburger buns. Oh, by the way, you CANNOT eat a hamburger patty without having a bun. Since patties are not a hamburger and you can not eat just meat patties.
You must walk up and down every isle and consider the merits of many items. After the merits are considered there is often a conflict because there was felt a need to buy additional items even though there were already two or more of said items at home. You must not hide items from a “picky” person in either the refrigerator or pantry nor question the value of buying more.
You must never leave a produce area without buying a head of lettuce, two cucumbers, 4 Roma tomatoes, corn on the cob, avocados and two pink grapefruits. The head of lettuce MUST come from the very back of the display and show no signs of being handled previously. The cucumbers must be not too long or too fat and have very small bumps. The tomatoes have to be Roma and picked individually and inspected carefully. The shuck on the corn must be carefully pulled back and the kernel must be full of juice when you stick your fingernail into it. This has to be done or you will find yourself with “old” corn and that is unacceptable. You also do not buy the ear of corn you just tested because it has been “used”. The avocados must be the right size, color, firmness and some other esoteric requirement that I have yet to discover before you can buy them. The grapefruit has to be PINK with very little yellow and not have the slightest wrinkle near the end. If there are any wrinkles or if it seems somehow not right you CANNOT buy it because it is too “old” and not sweet. One does not eat strawberries because they have little seeds that will get caught in your teeth or grapes unless you peel them. Oranges are bitter and large apples are unacceptable. All apples must be Washington variety and be small. Dole bananas are not as good as Chiquita bananas. After endless searches the fact that not a single store in Phoenix, Mesa or Chandler sells Chiquita bananas makes it acceptable to eat a Dole banana if it is the right color and firmness.
You must always have at least 4 different types of pasta even though you do not like shells or curly pasta, but you buy them just in case. If you buy penne pasta that is okay, BUT after you boil it you must rinse it thoroughly with cold water (preferably with ice). After that you must cut each penne smaller because it will taste better. A “picky” person knows that large penne tastes differently than large penne that has been cut in half. This is very important. One must not eat a pasta salad that has large pieces of pasta, unless you cut them before eating.
When buying refrigerated goods you must always get the container that is at the very back even if you cannot reach it and must wait for a taller person to get it for you. You must always have an extra gallon of milk in case you run out of it and the store is closed. It is always safer to have two containers of cottage cheese and two containers of sour cream for the same reason. You must never ever buy a large container of sour cream; it does not taste as good as the sour cream in the smaller size. Also it is imperative that you only buy recognized brand names because the store brand or unrecognized vendors will sell you old or inferior quality. Don’t buy yogurt, it tastes sour and is bad for you.
You must be diligent and only buy bread that is flat on top. This means that you go to 3 or more different stores then get upset that no one sells the correct type of bread. Upon questioning one learns that round bread does not toast on the top and that is unacceptable. This is a fact even though you do not eat the top, sides or the bottom rinds of the bread after toasting because they are hard and taste too much like bread.
A “picky” person will decide that her clothes are not clean because they do not smell right. Unscented detergent and the lack of scented Downy determine cleanliness.
Oh, I almost forgot. Cats cannot be picky. They should eat what you put in front of them immediately or starve.
I hope you have enjoyed this lesson in “pickiness”. I have also been instructed in the ways of vacuuming, doing laundry, sweeping and cooking. If you enjoyed this instruction in “pickiness” you can anticipate further installments. These very scientific applications are vital to your health and well-being and must be passed on to the uneducated of our family. Being “picky” is an art in our family and must be passed down to the younger generation and any other person that will value the art of being “picky”.
Alice
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