1/4/2012
I think I'm losing it. I'm so tired of being sensitive to medication. I'm convinced that if I ever get seriously ill the medication to cure me will kill me.
I was having extreme pain whenever my esophagus decided to spasm, which it did at least once a meal. I consulted a gastroenterologist, which by the way, had excellent listening skills, but lousy communication abilities. I had that thing where they put a scope down your throat to check out the scenery. I guess I didn't have anything exciting so all I got after this procedure was a "looks fine" and a prescription for a stomach acid reducer. He prescribed Nexium, which Lynn said has a boat load of side effects and to request Paxium. It took about 10 days to get it switched. It was like impossible to get them to comply.
My word, the dang thing works like a dream (nightmare). I am now an angry, irritated caregiver with no stomach issues. I'm cranky like when you haven't eaten in 6 hours. The issue buttons that were mostly invisible can now be played as if they were bulls eye targets. Not that my mind was ever my own, but now it's totally out of my control. It thinks what it wants, which is usually the negative side of anything and anyone. It's like I have a comedian in there and all the jokes are on her.
Yesterday was the last straw. Mom's elevator was hitting the 11th floor and was more than her past demanding self. She got up late and said it was because "nobody" woke her. Her bra was not hooked right because "nobody" was there to do it for her. She didn't eat her toast because "somebody" took too long to give it to her and it got soggy. Her coffee was bitter, but no, she did not want more sugar or milk. She gave "somebody" a lot of flack because she didn't want to take her pills since they weren't working. She didn't like the picture in her room anymore because "somebody" else put it there. She wanted me to move one of her mirrors because she couldn't see herself ( I can't see why because if I looked like that I'd break every mirror in the house) and "somebody" else put it too high. She wanted two of her vases moved because "somebody" put them in the wrong position. She wanted a purse (she gave away about 3 months ago) back because "somebody" moved it. She wanted her sewing boxes moved from where she had them because "nobody" would help her sew.
How she lived after this God only knows. I gave as good as I got then she got quiet and said "somebody" is in a bad mood and she doesn't know why "somebody" is picking on her.
She wanted a hamburger for dinner and didn't want to bother me so would I please go get her one and one for "everybody". She did not eat that damn hamburger because it was cold, I reheated it (not the bun or the lettuce), then it was soggy and if that wasn't enough it was greasy. Lynn and I ate something besides a hamburger. She did stop complaining after Lynn gave her a dirty look. I finally got her to go to bed and get settled down so that we could watch TV. Right at the most critical part of the show "Al...ice, Alll...ice, Allllll...ice." I got up to see what she needed, she wanted "somebody" to cut her toe nail. I cut it, then it was not short enough, then I cut it again and it was still not short enough. Can you believe she still has that toe? Then she found another toe nail that was too long and then the curtain went up on another cut it, not short enough act. When I told her that I was not going to cut it any shorter or else it would bleed she got all huffy, pulled away and started the "go away, turned face, aggrieved" act. Yes, she still lives.
I couldn't sleep last night because of the anger and frustration to say nothing about her moans, Lynn's snoring and the cat's yowling because her bedroom light was on.
I did not take my pills today. I don't think they would qualify as a excuse to murder.
1/28/2012
Things around here have been changing quite rapidly and not for the better. Last week was a trial and I'm very glad that it's over and I hope that things settle down to a manageable dullness.
My precious, loud, demanding, loveable gato went to heaven last week. He must have had a stroke late Tuesday. I watched him wobble and stumble around all day Wednesday. He lost almost all control of his rear legs. He was confused and followed me around from room to room even though he could barely walk. His vet and I agreed that we would give him until Thursday to use one of his nine lives and regain some of his vitality. It was not to be. We decided that it was his time to go to kitty heaven and sport around with Wuk and Tucker. Talk about pain. We had Riley 17 years and even though he's gone I keep stopping by the laundry room thinking I have to strain his box and I keep wanting to buy cat food when I'm at the grocery store.
When I went to see Dr. Sullivan we both decided that I could no longer take care of mom by myself. I can no longer leave her alone. She is having hallucinations and an inability to separate morning from evening. She is unable to leave the house. She cannot dress herself, walk or eat unassisted. She has almost lost her ability to control her bodily functions. She has "accidents" about every other day. On Wednesday she took off her pjs and hung them on a chair to dry (so that I wouldn't know she'd wet them) and then tried to dress herself with a clean set of pjs and fell. She did not break any bones she just got a bit bruised and shaken up. I may not exercise, but I can bench press 80 pounds as I found out. Luckily it was the day her new doctor from Hospice was scheduled to visit. All that we could do to make it better for her was to give her Tylenol. Anything stronger would drug her out and make her more likely to fall again.
Since her fall she has increased trouble swallowing. She is eating even less now than before, but if she tries to eat more than a few bites she hurls. The osteoporosis has continued to curve her spine so her organs are constricted and her ribs have spread further. I'm not sure what is going on with this swallowing thing, but her nurse will call and see her on Monday instead of the scheduled Wednesday.
One bright spot is that Lynn is now officially retired, Thursday was his last day. He continues to be a saint and help out as much as he can, just don't tell him I said so or his head will swell and get stuck in the door frame. We hope to schedule a short trip in late Feb or early March. Hospice will take care of mom for 5 days. They will move her to a home and then bring her back when we return. As long as her caregiver reminds her constantly that we are on vacation and that she will be coming back here she should be okay (or not).
Thank you for your support and encouragement. This has been and continues to be quite the challenge and thankfully I've also been given the strength to move through it.
1/31/2012
Only my women friends are getting this notice. The guys haven't responded to my last message so they are going to miss this one.
Mom's hallucinations started this morning at 2:30 am. It seems my "neighbors" were having a party and the music was too loud. She heard laughing and said that they were singing. She did not like their music. She wanted me to go and ask them to change the records and play some nice flamingo music. (I didn't know she even knew what flamingo music sounds like!) I agreed to talk to them so that she would go back to sleep. After about 10 minutes she called me back up again to thank me for having them change the music. It sounded so much better now.
At 6:30 am she got up, like a 3 year old on crack. She wanted to know what to wear to the wedding. (What the f?) What wedding, ma? The big one, Alice is getting married and she has to get ready. She also wanted to know if the viscochos were packed. (Viscochos are Mexican wedding cookies which mom used to make for all fancy occasions.) I told her the wedding was cancelled and that she didn't have to worry about what to wear. That was okay with her as long as the coffee was ready. She had breakfast and insisted she could get ready by herself. (that was not to be) What followed wasn't funny so I won't bore you with it.
At 3:10 pm after her jello she got quite upset. Why? Because her grandchildren were running up and down the hall making noise. Not only were they making noise, they smelled bad. She wanted me to give them a bath. I went along and said I would bathe them and change their clothes. She then sat in the hall in her chair and watched them play Bingo. Geeb won the game and got a prize.
It isn't over yet. It is now 6:00 pm and we had Riley playing with a ball in my bedroom. She can see into our room from her chair in the hall and it seems Riley was under the dresser playing with his tail. She kept calling me over and over and over to come see him. She talked more to him today than the whole time he was alive. The cat then changed from Riley to a very fluffy black and white cat (that could be Suzy our childhood cat). She sat there and talked to that cat until it went to sleep. I finally got her fed and into bed and now she has a bird in her room. It's building a nest on her bookcase behind the clock. She calls me every time it tweets. It has been singing to her for about 20 minutes now. (she calls me every 5 min to tell me about it and have me hear it) I told her not to worry and let it build the nest and maybe it would sing to her tomorrow. (god I hope not)
It has been one really challenging day. Rather than try to explain that there is no music, no wedding, no cats, no bird--I've just gone along with her. I think that is the easiest for both of us. Her constant bell ringing would drive me to drink if I drank. (I got her a cow bell about a year ago so that she could ring it when she needed me. I did this since I can't always hear her calling Al.l.l...ice.) Instead I've eaten a whole Hershey's Valentine Marshmallow Heart (King size). Now I'm a 60 year old on a chocolate crack high.
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